Firstly, we need to get something straight. I am not a drunk. I like to drink, true, but I don’t brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack, or anything crazy like that. I do go out at least twice a week to my neighborhood bar and have a few drinks. I’m well known there, and one of my trademarks is that I am always wearing funny t-shirts. The shirt I wore that night in particular was a gem that involved quite a funny joke about Kanye West. It’s been forever since I wore it, so I’ll refrain from butchering the joke here but, trust me, it was hilarious.
Being that Wednesday is one of the better nights to get soused with my comrades, we all met up at Paul’s Place at around 7pm and I was proudly sporting one of my new funny t-shirts. My two friends and I ate some chicken wings, and starting pouring beer on top of them in our bellies. I love my bar and we were having a fantastic time, and there were even some girls there that have never been there before. We bought them drinks, we made them laugh, and turned the charm up to 10 while we played some shuffleboard. All in all, the night started off pretty great.
My Kanye West shirt was getting lots of laughs, so I guess most everyone pretty much shares my dislike for the man’s superior attitude issues and I was glad I had chosen this one from my funny t-shirts.. The night went on, however, and I stopped caring about Mr. West altogether. I had reached that rare stage of drunkenness when I have had way too much and no longer care. This was the point when I believe my friends talked me into taking boilermakers. A boilermaker is a shot of whiskey dropped into a glass of beer, and you then down the whole thing at once. It is a terrible idea.
Closing time came and went and I only had one drunk friend left to see me safely to an all-night diner for something greasy to eat. Eating greasy food is extremely important when it comes to dealing with extremely drunkenness. We took a cab there and I’m almost surprised that the driver didn’t get drunk just from the fumes coming off of us. We walked into the diner and collapsed into a booth, giggling about how drunk we probably looked. That was when I heard someone say in a strong, black voice, “Hey, nice shirt.” What shirt? I’m wearing funny t-shirts?
I turned around, some drunk witticism bubbling out of me when I saw the largest black man I have ever seen in my life sitting next to the second largest black man I had ever seen. After some stammered apologies, I was utterly relieved to learn that these two fine gentlemen where part of Jay-Z’s security staff and were out getting some late-night food after coming off-duty. Jay-Z works quite a bit with a certain Kanye West, so my funny t-shirts selection was quite poignant for these guys.
I had no idea I would run into someone who knew Kanye West personally, let alone take offense to any of my funny t-shirts. If Mr. West were less of a weirdo to his staff, that whole situation could have turned out to be much different. Luckily, those too security guys had a funny story to share and I had a delicious bacon cheeseburger instead of my broken teeth to eat.